I hate Bobby Flay

Just finished watching Next Food Network Star, which is my favorite show on television currently.  Bobby Flay, one of three judges, is a total asshole every episode and I'm a little sick of him beating on Adam who woos me week after week.

Tonight I got so angry that I typed "I hate Bobby Flay" into Google.  Sometimes I need my opinion affirmed by the internet.  Apparently 24,600 other people hate him too.  Not nearly enough.

Some highlights of my search:

Veiled Conceit 

Hilarious, unfortunately dead since 2006, blog that offers insight into the weddings announced in the New York Times. This article is on Bobby's wedding to the cute DA on Law & Order: SVU. I have always really liked her and am sort of dumbfounded that she would marry Flay who has been divorced twice and dropped out of high school after being expelled. I smell an anger problem.

The Staggering Dicketry of Bobby Flay

Worth every minute of your Bobby Flay hating time--this title requires no explanation.

Winner of most creepy anti-Flay find:

Bobby Flay Sucks

Is this considered a forum?  I'm unsure with some interweb terms.  An entire website devoted to pissed off Food Network viewers that put anime representations of themselves next to their scornful comments.  In addition to using weird grammar lots of people do this, "::".  For example:

::wink::

::waves::

::facepalm::

::sighs and starts flipping channels again::

::slaps him around like mad crazy::

I was able to deduce that "::" means "imagine I am doing the following" or maybe even, "I am doing the following while typing."  But is this some weird trait of people who play Second Life or something?  It creeps me the fuck out...like mad crazy.

::continues typing::

So, in conclusion, I hate Bobby Flay.

Update:  while tagging this post, I momentarily forgot what my Torture label encompassed and hovered over it for a second.  Insightful.

Update: My day at work

For no good reason I just shoved about 4 inches of rice krispy treat into my mouth and had to deal with squirrel chewing/cheeks. Damn.

A little poop shy

Just went to go have my early afternoon poop. I walked out of my office at the exact same time the girl across the hall did. She scared the shit out of me so I did a little "Ah. Oh sorry, you scared the shit out of me."

I was optimistic that she'd stop at the elevator. Nope. I unlocked and then held the door for her into the ladies room.

It's a small three-staller and I debated whether I should just play the waiting game (which is much less embarrassing when anonymous) or just have a phantom bathroom run.

I go to the bathroom about once every hour and a half. I'm not sure if it's because of my small bladder or if it's because I get so depressed at work that the bathroom becomes a pseudo vacation spot. (I must mention though that I am the fastest pooper/bathroom trip taker in the world, so my time spent in the bathroom is definetly not the source of my only 25% productive work day. My speed bathrooming amazes people all the time, and sometimes I have to affirm repeatedly that yes, I did poop faster than you dried your hands.)

I sat in my stall for thirty seconds and had the teeniest tinkle (since I just went to the bathroom about twenty minutes before) and then ran out of the bathroom trying to avoid her scaring the shit out of me again or something*.

Then I had to wait in my office's waiting room area and tell my coworker that I was waiting for our building-mate to finish up in the bathroom so I could poop in solitary.

I always feel the need to confess my awkward situations, as if someone is really going to confront me about it. "Hey, wait a minute. You were just in the bathroom. Then you came back. Now you're leaving again. Are you on drugs?" I'm pretty sure that in fact no one gives a shit.

So after explaining myself unnecessarily, I went back in, did my thing while mentally drafting this blog post, and walla** (wall-ah? you know-- that magic related french sounding word) here I am.

*or offering another explanation. It's practically involunary for me. "Oh hey there. Yeah, I actually have to poop, so I know it sounded like I didn't even go to the bathroom, but I'm going to make a return trip when I think it's safe. It's really echo-y in here dontcha think?"

**Ah, I just googled it. "Voila." So uncouth.

Sorry POWs, you actually weren't tortured.

NYT reports detaineee interrogation instructions found to have been

...copied verbatim from a 1957 Air Force study of Chinese Communist techniques used during the Korean War to obtain confessions, many of them false, from American prisoners. The recycled chart is the latest and most vivid evidence of the way Communist interrogation methods that the United States long described as torture became the basis for interrogations both by the military at the base at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, and by the Central Intelligence Agency.

How convenient. When these tactics are being used against our soldiers, we call it torture. But when it comes to the U.S. using identical methods, we'll tear apart Geneva on the basis of prison location, type of prisoner, etc.-- because those are the variables that constitute torture, not the actions.

what.

Watching some Food Network before Suss and I battle out some Jeopardy.  This comes pops up as one of their "green tips":

Fill empty space in your refrigerator or freezer with crumpled newspapers-- it improves cooling and saves electricity and money.

Perhaps the stupidest green tip I've heard this year.

I prefer to be sedentary, thank you.

For some reason I hate this term, but will use it begrudgingly: Yesterday I "worked out" for the first time in about six months.

"Working out" conjures up images of buff, spandex-clad mens and womens sweating. Usually when if I exercise I am in a dorky t-shirt and basketball shorts. I also try not to sweat under any circumstance as doing so turns me into a grumpalump.

My roommate, who "works out" regularly (eh it's giving me tinglies even writing it), does these Exercise TV videos on demand. Usually I just lay on the couch and watch the videos while she bounces around and contracts her abs or whatever, but I was feeling good yesterday. I decided to exploit that energetic mood and pay for it today.

We did some cardio yoga thing that was hosted by this guy who you would have thought was Australian looking at him until he opened his beautiful curly-headed head and he was American. He was very pleasant to exercise with and kept telling me that I could do it, so I did.

Result- I hurt here:

The baby toe is actually the result of my clumsiness, not cute Exercise TV guy. He was actually very graceful and I did my best to imitate him. He kept telling me while I was bent over with all my weight on my right fingertips, "Look up if you can, it's harder to balance." I only leaned on the couch for support once and fell over only twice.

Anyway, this morning I was walking my five block path to work and I turned a corner too sharply and stepped on the pointy concrete side of a building. Yes, I'm not really sure how I managed to step UP a wall, but I did. I heard something like a twig snapping, did a little hoppy scream and limped the rest of the way.

My baby toe is swollen and uglier than usual now that the nail is all fucked up and the skin scraped off a little. It's been almost five hours since this happened so I think I might have broken it.

Anyway, my sonufabitch boss keeps making me get up to do stupid shit that would actually be easier for HIM to complete.

Example 1: "Hey! This copy machine is clogged! Come fix it!"

Twice within twenty minutes, I have had to use my injured toe and throbbing thighs to go open two copier compartment doors and close them while he watches. The blinking diagram is apparently too hard for a man with a JD to understand.

Example 2: "HEY! Where is I Sue Everyone's file!"

"To your right."

"I don't see it."

"On the surface to your right. Look down. No, right."

"I can't find it."

Here, let me stop typing and answering the phones so I can get up and point to it for you.

My boss is unbelievably dependent on me to do the simplest things.

Can he dial a phone? No. I am the only phone dialer around here. Can he date a document? No. Only I know the date and am capable of transcribing it. Will he ever, ever, ever pull a file out of the cabinet that he is at least ten feet closer to than I am? He may or may not know the alphabet. I'm unsure.

Pool Observations

Went to the pool yesterday for the first time (of the season and at my new apartment). Quite a crowd there. A few points from my notes:

What I presumed was a gay couple, both in their 30s-40s, sat to my right. Man A was Mediterranean-looking, bald, and, in addition to his otherwise sculpted bod, had an extremely hairy back (but kudos for not hiding that shit like another wet, white-tee-wearing dude I saw).

The real show-stopper though was Man A's partner, who I will creatively title Man B. Man B was also trim and had flowing, layered, chin-length gray hair. He wore a red speedo (which always activates my x-ray vision). He had a pierced belly button (a ring). He rolled around spread out and stretching like a sunbathing cat on his lounge chair with only a folded up washcloth to support his perfectly groomed head. Once, he turned onto his stomach and I was able to sneak a peak at the Sailor Moon tattoo covering his entire left scapula.

While my companion read poolside about France in WWII, I hid behind my Jackie-Os wondering about Man B's life for a good twenty minutes. Was this waxed and trimmed specimen self-conscious of or apathetic to his partner's furry back? I wished I had watched Sailor Moon so I could draw more conclusions about his personality from this character of choice.

Man B was not the only speedo-wearer. I actually got to check out two or three more sets of junk (although all were more in a train-wreck rather than an eye-candy sort of way). Also, I was surprised by the number of seemingly non-student, real adults at the pool on Thursday from 2-4 p.m. What are these people's jobs, and how can I make enough money in the future to afford a $1500+ rent while still having time to bounce around in a roof-top pool in the middle of a business day?

CNN weirds me out

CNN might be "The Most Trusted Name in News" but whenever I look at their website, I feel stupider afterwards (yes, "stupider" not "more stupid"-- don't fuck with me, I know my superlatives).

Sometimes the articles are just that dumb, other times not. Examples of a few headlines today, no need to read the articles (I sure didn't).

NASA probes shiny object trailing shuttle
I admit that if you read this article's short blurb, this headline makes sense. But before doing that I had to read it at least three times to get what it was trying to say. I have a hard time taking sentences that contain "shiny object" seriously. I start imagining people with swirly-eyed vision going crazy over diamonds or Nero-kitten playing with aluminum foil.

Ex-con's videos keep inmates, kids in touch
Hmm. What kind of inmates are these, and whose kids? Is R. Kelly involved?

Can cell phones really pop popcorn?
Well, I have always wondered...

Supreme Court decides U.S. Constitution applies at Guantánamo

From the NYT, Thursday's Supreme Court decision regarding the detention center in Guantánamo Bay, Cuba

...granted detainees the right to challenge their detention in civilian courts, meaning that federal judges will now have the power to check the government’s claims that the 270 men still held there are dangerous terrorists.

[...]

Detainees’ lawyers have long claimed that the government will not be able to justify the detention of many of the men. Pentagon officials, on the other hand, have maintained that classified evidence establishes that many of them are dangerous. The federal courts will now have the power to sort through those claims.

And regarding Habeas Corpus (a means of seeking relief from unlawful detention, such as that a prisoner must be charged with a specific crime or released, a prisoner's right to an attorney and the right to present evidence of innocence):

The question of whether detainees have habeas rights has long been a central issue in the battle over Guantánamo. Scores of such cases had been in the courts before Congress sought to strip federal judges of the power to hear them. Habeas suits by virtually all the 270 detainees are now expected to commence or be revived, lawyers said.

Such cases give federal judges broad powers to review the government’s reasons for holding a prisoner. But once a judge is satisfied that there is a legitimate basis, a case can end quickly with a ruling in the government’s favor.

“Habeas is not a ‘get out of jail free’ card,” said Jonathan Hafetz, a detainees’ lawyer at the Brennan Center for Justice at New York University. “It just provides a fair, legitimate and independent sorting process to determine who should and who should not be held.”

Update: McCain and Obama Split on Justices’ Guantánamo Ruling

McCain: "...it obviously concerns me. These are unlawful combatants; they’re not American citizens."

Obama: "This is an important step toward re-establishing our credibility as a nation committed to the rule of law, and rejecting a false choice between fighting terrorism and respecting habeas corpus."

Has Christmas come early?

A-hole boss just told us that he's now on Xanax after an especially horrific last two weeks (example).