A little poop shy

Just went to go have my early afternoon poop. I walked out of my office at the exact same time the girl across the hall did. She scared the shit out of me so I did a little "Ah. Oh sorry, you scared the shit out of me."

I was optimistic that she'd stop at the elevator. Nope. I unlocked and then held the door for her into the ladies room.

It's a small three-staller and I debated whether I should just play the waiting game (which is much less embarrassing when anonymous) or just have a phantom bathroom run.

I go to the bathroom about once every hour and a half. I'm not sure if it's because of my small bladder or if it's because I get so depressed at work that the bathroom becomes a pseudo vacation spot. (I must mention though that I am the fastest pooper/bathroom trip taker in the world, so my time spent in the bathroom is definetly not the source of my only 25% productive work day. My speed bathrooming amazes people all the time, and sometimes I have to affirm repeatedly that yes, I did poop faster than you dried your hands.)

I sat in my stall for thirty seconds and had the teeniest tinkle (since I just went to the bathroom about twenty minutes before) and then ran out of the bathroom trying to avoid her scaring the shit out of me again or something*.

Then I had to wait in my office's waiting room area and tell my coworker that I was waiting for our building-mate to finish up in the bathroom so I could poop in solitary.

I always feel the need to confess my awkward situations, as if someone is really going to confront me about it. "Hey, wait a minute. You were just in the bathroom. Then you came back. Now you're leaving again. Are you on drugs?" I'm pretty sure that in fact no one gives a shit.

So after explaining myself unnecessarily, I went back in, did my thing while mentally drafting this blog post, and walla** (wall-ah? you know-- that magic related french sounding word) here I am.

*or offering another explanation. It's practically involunary for me. "Oh hey there. Yeah, I actually have to poop, so I know it sounded like I didn't even go to the bathroom, but I'm going to make a return trip when I think it's safe. It's really echo-y in here dontcha think?"

**Ah, I just googled it. "Voila." So uncouth.

Holy shnikeys!

The banner ads on Facebook are typically hilarious and/or horrifying.  Example in point:  Each row has one male and one female model.  Try to guess which is which.

Call me close-minded, but I'm uncomfortable with my man displaying more cleavage than I am.  

Hungry for more?  Chew on this yummy hunk!

Oh dear

I find Julianne Moore lovely, but this picture in today's Times did not do her justice and immediately reminded me of Creepo here.

Snuggy-ugums & you

I love reading some articles under "Living" in newspapers and magazines. Here's a great one from CNN...

Do You Mommy Your Husband?

Kristen Rounds, 26,

picks out his clothes before they go out, styles his hair, makes his lunches (complete with "I love you" notes inside) and takes it upon herself to apply the toothpaste before handing him his toothbrush each night. And then there's bathing. "When he's in the shower, he calls me in to wash his back," says Rounds, a publicist.

The solution?

If you catch yourself talking to him as if he's your child, switch modes, Tessina says. "Exaggerate to make a joke out of it: 'Would snuggy-uggums wike a widdle kissy?' followed by 'God -- I am so tired of talking baby talk, but I can't seem to change gears!' "

No one cares but regardless, an update:

My nose is still bothering me (tomorrow will be two weeks).

In conferring with my social circle, a few others have noted that this season has been especially rough on the nostrils. One of my allergy-ridden friends suggested saline spray, which I've been using, but still my boogers are painful and a little bloody.

What's a girl to do?

Unhappy nose.

My boogers have been ridiculous today. They have been hard and a little bloody. I am not usually a shameful picker, but today the habit was really on display. Finding something to wipe it on can be tough too. I try not to be too gross, and usually go for a trashcan, but sometimes there aren’t many options.

Update: 12 hours later-- still having angry boogers.